The White Wolf

I had the strangest dream last night.  It feels important for some reason, and so I want to record it:

It was nighttime and I was walking on a rocky path by myself – up a hill.  There were trees, but it wasn’t a thick forest.  In the distance, over the bend of the hill where I couldn’t quite see, there were millions of lights – like city lights.  It was really beautiful, actually:  the stars in the sky were so bright and the city lights were so sparkling.  The dark sky was different shades of deep purple and black, from the reflections of the lights.

I wasn’t struggling with the walk; it wasn’t particularly strenuous.  I was just walking.  The air was cool and fresh.  It was actually very meditative and contemplative an act, walking.  That was the overall vibe.  I wasn’t having any particular trouble walking with the rocks.  They were there – these granite slabs.  But they weren’t hard to navigate.  I could walk around them or step over them, or hoist myself up and back down again with minimal effort.

Then I turned my head – and there, on a big flat rock, with the stars and the city behind, was a wolf.  It was really big, with white fur that looked like it would be really soft to touch.

It was absolutely the most beautiful animal I’ve ever seen – and it looked so majestic.  It just looked at me, watching me, with all this wisdom in its eyes.  Just kind of benevolently and patiently watching me.  I had this sense that it was enjoying watching me, that it approved of me.  Almost like it wouldn’t have interfered with me if I’d been doing something it didn’t like, but that, as it was, it was pleased with what I was doing.

I felt this sense of pride that a creature like this approved of me – and I felt this really, really strong sense of connection to it.

I don’t typically have dreams like this – which made it even more strange.  Usually my dreams reflect my anxieties more.  I don’t know what to make of this.

I of course started looking up stuff about dream symbolism this morning (though I don’t really believe in that.)  Wolves, it seems, have all kinds of meanings attached to them, as dream symbols – some good and some not.  But white wolves seem to be pretty much considered positive symbols – which supports the overwhelming positivity I felt from the dream.

Strange!

I also felt that it (the wolf, the dream) was trying to tell me something.  Something about the lights?  I feel that it had something to do with what lay behind the wolf.

Did those lights represent an actual place?  A state of mind?  Something completely symbolic?

I was just talking with a friend yesterday about the fact that I used to think that I wanted to live in New York City someday.  The energy, the boldness, the audacity, just the vibe of New York appealed to me a lot…for a long time.  I never actually did live there and haven’t been certain for some time now that I would anymore if I could – but it’s remained sort of a beacon in my mind.  New York for me is this idealized place (and I’m very aware that I idealize what living there would be) where things “happen” – and if I go there, I can be part of those things.  That’s always been a very enticing idea to me.

But I was telling my friend that I’ve realized over the past year or two that I actually don’t think I want to live in New York anymore.  I think New York is a really interesting place, and I do like it there a lot.  I haven’t been there in some time, but I’d like to get back there, spend more time there – as a visitor.  I don’t think it fits me anymore as a place to live.  New York (or, my idealized personal vision of New York) doesn’t match who I am anymore.

I think, given the choice, I’d choose to live on the West Coast these days.  L.A….San Francisco.  I’m sure this is also very idealized of an idea, but I have this impression (some gained from visiting there, some not at all) of the West Coast as being very creative and entrepreneurial and innovative.  I crave THAT particular energy now – as opposed to what I perceive as New York’s sort of sharper energy.  And when you throw in the culture of sunshine and ocean, Spanish architecture and palm trees, redwood trees and wine country…it really appeals to me a lot.

Was it vocalizing that observation of self to somebody that brought that city lights aspect to my dream?  And does that mean that aspect (the lights and the feeling of wanting to get to that place, wherever it is) was just residue from that conversation?  And, as such, not symbolizing anything real at all?

But even if that’s true, where did the wolf come from????  I’ve never dreamed about an animal like that in my life.

Sometimes a dream is just a collection of random images…I know that.  The thing is, this simply didn’t feel random.  I can’t explain it.

I don’t know!  I wonder if it’ll become clear with time.

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