May clearly hasn’t been the most prolific blogging month I’ve ever had. My last post, I just noticed, was from May 2nd, nearly three weeks ago! I didn’t realize quite that much time had slipped by.
I guess it has because I’m – now that I think about it – in one of those moments when there’s simply more going on inside than can be expressed outwardly. I feel so busy lately – but it’s not any kind of outwardly active busy-ness. It’s all inside. It’s all taking place in my head.
The experiment in mental untangling that was last month’s blogging series really shook everything around and upside-down for me. I’m so glad I wrote all that out! It might be the most self-indulgent group of blog posts I’ve ever created…but it was also the best thing I’ve done for myself in a long time. It helped me a lot.
But it seems to have had the secondary result of throwing me into a period of really deep introspection. I wasn’t expecting that. I find that I haven’t actually done much of anything at all since writing that series – and not because I haven’t wanted to, or because I’ve been lazy. It hasn’t actually been a conscious decision at all. (I can’t really afford to take this kind of time away from pursuing things that might make me some $$, for one thing – so that’d be a pretty irresponsible conscious decision. That’s the rather pressing reality of things right now.)
But it’s just that I’ve been SO busy lately – tremendously busy. Simply too busy to take the time for my regular pursuits. And the thing is, I realize now: What I’ve been so busy doing is thinking. And thinking and thinking and thinking. I haven’t even been doing any photography – which for me is a huge, huge change to my normal way of things.
It’s like all of my normal pursuits, even photography, require a level of interaction with the world that I just haven’t been able to meet recently. And not because I’m depressed or something; it’s not that at all. It’s more that it feels like interaction isn’t appropriate right now. My energy is required elsewhere.
It’s almost as if I’ve gone on some sort of retreat, to some really remote locale. Like a monastery on a remote beach in Thailand or someplace (which, by the way, would be AMAZING!!!) And while I’m there, I address the practical: I get up and take care of the necessities of living (eating, bathing, taking care of my living space. In my case that also extends to feeding and maintaining a 2nd grader and kindergartener.) But that’s it. I do the bare minimum of that stuff. And the rest of my time, all the rest of my energy, is earmarked for whatever is going on inside my head and gut.
It’s kind of funny, now that I really think about it. I hadn’t fully realized, until writing this, that I was in that place.
I think I am starting to come out of that particular head space now. (Hence the urge to write this post.) And I think all the pondering I’ve been doing hasn’t been for nothing. I’m feeling like I’ve re-calibrated a few things – and that I’m poised to re-calibrate a few more.
I’ve got a few things to say about that – which will probably be said over the course of the next few posts here.
Rather than get into that today (and end up with a massively long post), I think I’ll just leave off for now by noting that I sorted a bunch of older photos yesterday. One of them was this one below, of my daughter from Spring 2012 (almost exactly three years ago, in fact.) It’s from the first in-depth excursion she and I ever took into Washington, D.C.
I took this particular shot because the quote here (from Shakespeare) is one of my favorite quotations ever. It was kind of fun to round the corner and walk into it! I wasn’t expecting it. (I forget where this is, exactly. Somewhere near the Mall…I want to say, near the National Archives building?? I’ll try to remember to check next time I’m down there and edit the answer in for anybody who’s curious!)
But anyway, this is, as I said, one of my very favorite lines. Favorite as in, if I were to get a tattoo of some text (which I seriously consider doing every once in a while – and probably would do if I felt confident in my ability to choose a quality tattoo artist) I would choose this one:
So coming across this shot yesterday, with this quotation, got me thinking: Maybe everything that’s come before, everything up to now, has been prologue to everything that is about to come.
As in, maybe I’m sitting at a place of change…the kind of moment that can divide time into “before” and “after.” That feels strangely right to me – though I don’t have any concrete reason for feeling that.
I’m not sure why this feels meaningful right now. I mean, I largely approach my life from this perspective as it is anyway. I do think the actions you take and the experiences you have, even the mistakes you make (or the apparent mistakes), teach you things and take you down roads that can advance you toward where you need to go. And so following on that, each new moment is “prologued” by all the moments that came before it. That’s why I like this line to begin with.
It’s just that it feels especially meaningful right now.
I started thinking today that maybe some consciousness of that might be why, in part, I felt moved to re-trace old ground the way I did in that post series. And that maybe it’s also why, in part, I’ve been in this introspective head-space lately: It’s that I really am at the threshold of something.
Or some things, plural. Like, maybe I’ll look back at this moment in time from some point in the future and say, “Of course. Of course I felt like that. That was right before that happened. And that changed everything.” Or something like that.
I wonder if there’s anything to that!
And if there is, I wonder what kind of change. A personal-life kind of change? A career-ish change? Both? (They’re pretty intertwined anymore. You can’t really change one without changing the other in some fashion.)
I guess it’s a wait-and-see game for the next while. I guess that’s what life essentially always is.
Which can drive you crazy! (It drives me crazy sometimes, anyway. And makes me nervous.)
But as much as I think sometimes I’d like to peek into the future and get a glimpse of what to expect, I do think when you you start counting on the predictability of things, that’s when you get into ruts…get complacent. And I think that’s when things start to get a little dull…a little superficial. And I don’t like dull and superficial!
So as much as it’s sounds comforting to have some sort of security (I don’t have much of that these days), I really would choose adventure and unpredictability over dullness and superficiality – even if that is the more intimidating choice.
And I feel, unaccountably, that “adventure” might be over that threshold I’m sensing. So I’m going to just enjoy that anticipatory feeling while it lasts!
I’m going to keep plugging away at my stuff – trying to follow my interests and bring some of my ambitions to fruition. And I’m going to just keep my fingers crossed that what I’m moving closer toward are good things.
And we’ll just see what comes next.